SUMMARY: "Have you ever noticed how all we ever do is talk about Howard and Leonard?"
PAIRINGS: Leonard/Penny, Howard/Bernadette, Penny/Bernadette
WORD COUNT: 1,300
DISCLAIMER: The characters in this story do not belong to me and no copyright infringement is intended.
THANKS: To zinke for getting the idea of the Bechdel Test in fic in my head.
It's almost midnight before Howard realizes three important things:
1. He, Leonard and Sheldon have been playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for more than four hours.
2. Bernadette and Penny have disappeared.
3. They've missed their 8:00 dinner reservations.
Oh, shit. He's going to be in so much trouble.
"I hate how Howard always moans 'oh yeah, oh yeah' in my ear when we're having sex," Bernadette says.
Penny downs another slug of white zinfandel and grimaces at the taste. Box wine is so tacky but it's cheap. "I hate it when Leonard farts in bed. In the future, I'm hiding all cheese-related products from him."
Bernadette shakes the box of wine. "It's almost empty," she says in her airy voice. "D'you have anything else to drink?"
"Might still have some of that peppermint schnapps around." She can taste the hangover she's going to have in the back of her throat.
"Yuck." Bernadette makes a face.
Penny hands her a can. "Here, have some more Corn Nuts."
"Ugh, I wanted enchiladas and a nice margarita. Stupid boys and their stupid videogames." Bernadette eats a handful of Corn Nuts anyhow. "Do you think Howard will ever move out of his mother's house?"
Bernadette sighs. "I don't think he will, either. I hate having sex with him there. I'm pretty sure she's right in the next room listening. Once she yelled at us to keep the racket down. Talk about killing the mood."
"That's creepy." Actually, Howard's pretty creepy, but she's not going to rain on Bernadette's parade.
"But he can't stay over at my place anymore since he scared the crap out of my roommate when he ran into her in the hall in the middle of the night. Naked. And he thought she was me."
Penny finishes the last of the wine in her glass. "I really don't want to have to think about Howard naked."
"Like the idea of Leonard naked is any better."
"He has hair on his back," Penny says moodily into her wineglass.
"I offered to introduce him to my waxer but he won't go."
"Howard has zits on his butt," Bernadette says, standing up. "Where did you put that schnapps?"
"Under the sink. Next to the Drano." Both are good for unclogging the drain.
Bernadette flops back on the couch, uncaps the bottle and takes a swig. She passes the bottle to Penny.
"Sometimes I wonder what Sheldon would be like in bed," Penny says, shuddering—although she's not sure if it's from the cheap schnapps or the idea of Sheldon having sex. "You think he'd be any good?"
"Sometimes I think that Howard and Raj are secretly in love."
"Oh, they're definitely in love. They just haven't figured it out yet."
"Sometimes I think all four of them should just live in a big, geeky gay commune," Bernadette says, grabbing the bottle from Penny's hands. "Tons of videogames, comics and buttsex."
"I thought you were so...so straightlaced."
Bernadette makes a snorting noise. "Right. You've never drank with me, either."
Penny flops back into the couch and shuts her eyes. It's not spinning yet. This is a very, very good sign. "Sometimes I wonder why I bother. With boys."
"Me, too," says Bernadette. "Have you ever noticed how all we ever do is talk about Howard and Leonard?"
"We've got to have something to talk about that isn't boys boys boys, right? We're flunking the Bechdel Test."
"Beck? What about him?"
Bernadette mock-punches Penny in the arm. "Not Beck, dummy, the Bechdel Test. Haven't you heard about it?"
"I'm an actress, not a scientist."
"It's not science, Penny. See, there's this cartoonist, Alison Bechdel. She has a cartoon called Dykes to Watch Out For and—"
Penny interrupts her. "I'm not a lesbian, Bernadette."
"I'm aware. Let me finish. So she has this cartoon and she came up with this idea that a movie's only worth watching if it has two women who have an actual conversation in the movie that's not about a man."
Penny gets up and stumbles to the stereo to put something new on. Beck sounds like a really, really good plan. "And your point is?"
Odelay starts blasting through the speakers.
"My point is," Bernadette says primly, like a high school English teacher, "that all we ever talk about is our boyfriends. Surely we have something else we can discuss."
"Fine. Let's gossip about work."
"Do you really want to spend your Saturday night talking about the Cheesecake Factory?"
"We could talk about my dissertation," Bernadette offers.
"I get enough of that kind of thing with Leonard."
Penny makes a face.
"We could have sex," Bernadette says.
Penny sits up. "What?"
A tiny smile flits across Bernadette's face. "It'd definitely give us something to talk about that wasn't boys."
"Remember the part where I said I wasn't a lesbian?" Penny says. "Still not a lesbian."
Bernadette's hand squeezes Penny's knee. "I'm not a lesbian, either. That's what makes it fun."
Oh, hell, Penny thinks. Bernadette's kind of pretty, she smells nice and she's probably better in bed than Leonard. Why not?
"I'm doing this for science," Penny says to Bernadette and kisses her.
Howard and Leonard guiltily shuffle across the hall to Penny's apartment. "If I don't get laid tonight because of this..." Howard says.
"Why are you blaming me?" Leonard asks. "I didn't force you to play Call of Duty all night."
Bernadette and Penny are nowhere to be found in the living room. There are two empty wineglasses and a bottle of schnapps on the coffee table, and Corn Nuts scattered everywhere, but no Bernadette and no Penny.
"Where did they go?" Howard asks.
"Did they go out?" says Leonard. "Penny would've locked the door if she'd gone out."
"Maybe they fell asleep. Check the bedroom."
Leonard goes off to check and Howard turns the stereo off. Sheesh, the music kids listen to these days.
In a minute, Leonard comes back, his face oddly white.
"What's wrong?" Howard asks.
The only sound that comes out of Leonard's mouth is an incoherent squawk.
"Are they in there?"
Leonard nods absently. "Oh, they're in there, all right," he says, blinking. He takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. "Go see for yourself."
Howard has often dreamed of Penny's bedroom and the delights contained therein. But never in his wildest and freakiest dreams did he ever conjure up the sight that's now before his eyes.
Dear Penthouse Forum,
I've been a faithful reader for years but never did I expect that this would happen to me. On a warm spring evening, my friend "Leonard" and I made plans to have dinner with our respective girlfriends. Little did we know what the ladies had in store for us!
His girlfriend, the lovely and naïve Bernadette, is naked in Penny's bed with Penny. If that weren't enough for him, the two ladies are in a position Howard likes to think of as soixante-neuf. Bernadette is on her back, Penny's on top, and their mouths and fingers are very, very busy.
Huh, Penny is a real blonde after all.
This is the coolest thing Howard has ever seen. So cool it doesn't even register with him that, actually, his girlfriend is in the process of cheating on him. All he's able to register is that his cock is so hard he's afraid the tensile strength of his trousers' fabric might not be enough to contain such hardness.
"Hey chicas," Howard says in his smoothest voice, trying to ignore the fact that his heart is beating a million miles a minute. "Can I be of any assistance to you?"
Penny's head lifts from between Bernadette's legs. "Howard?" she says, her eyes narrowing. She brushes a sweaty hank of hair out of her eyes.
Bernadette sits up. "What are you doing here, Howard?"
Howard's hand goes to the fly of his slacks. "I'm ready, willing and able, my lovely ladies..." This is it. It's going to be the night all his fantasies come true.
Penny grabs the sheet and starts wrapping it around herself, covering her spectacular tits. "Yeah, no," she says.
"Get out of here, Howard," Bernadette says. "Penny and I are busy and our plans don't exactly include you."
"Yeah," Penny says, her fingers brushing against Bernadette's nipples. "We need to pass the Bechdel test or else!"